Implied Value: The Hottie & The Nottie

Next, we get a blundering set piece at the yoga studio. Nate sees a guy do the whole kiss-kiss, gay man/European dandy greeting to Cristabel. He attempts to mimic this action with June (as if he’s never seen it before, not in any movie or TV show he’s ever seen, not never) and, whoops and wouldn’t you know it, someone bumps him and he winds up planting one right on June. It’s so transparent, predictable, and unfunny that Irene, my best friend and fellow victim of this movie, groaned in disgust and lit another cigarette just to burn the foul taste of it out of her mouth.

We find out more of what we already knew–that Cristabel will never date a guy unless he can find a partner for the lonely, miserable June. Now we start getting back into “ruining the underdog” territory, as she reveals she really does dig Nate and confides in him that “what she really misses is the sex.” Of course you do, Paris. Cristabel fucked everything she could in high school and really just wants a good hot dicking again. June, though, is still a virgin, that most vile anathema, and we find out that, more than anything, Cristabel really just wants to get Quasimodo laid so that chip will fall off her hideous, hairy, loathsome shoulder.

So Nate decides to place an ad at the local college promising $500 for a medical study that involves experimental electroshock therapy, something to do with anal violation, and other assorted tortures. Obviously, anyone who’s okay with having their genitals mutilated or their rectum ripped apart by rabid dogs or whatever will be okay with going on a date or two with June, right?

The guy he eventually gets, going under the hastily invented pseudonym “Cole Slawson,” proves us wrong. Cole (played by Adam Kulbersh, another “that guy” from “that thing”) is willing to be subjected to (and, even, intrigued by the prospect of) disfigurement for the sake of science and $500, but cannot fathom sitting at a table with this woman. Kulbersh is not terribly attractive himself, but whatever, who cares, that’s not the point, right? June looks a little disappointed with her date when he arrives, but she’s an ugly woman–who cares what she thinks, right?

The hijinks Nate devises to convince Cole to get within 100′ of June are atrocious and demeaning, and I don’t have the energy or the stomach to recount them in full, so here’s the quick guide to the methods employed: tripling the payment promised, severe intoxication, hypnosis, electric feedback pleasure-pain reinforcement therapy, general begging and pleading. None of them work, of course. How could they? June’s hideousness is a force of nature and cannot be tamed by mortal means.

Then, something amazing happens: Johann, a tall, well-built man runs into Nate, June, and Cristabel. Johann, played by, um, a guy named Johann (Urb, in case you’re Googling along at home), is something like the “perfect” guy–foreign but not brown (Americans have this thing about brown people), a dentist, former US Marine, former Doctor Without Borders volunteer, pilot, and frequent gym-goer. He sings and plays guitar, loves to dance, cooks and cleans, lives in an enormous beachside house, blah blah blah.

Johann gums up the works, naturally, challenging Nate’s chances with Cristabel. He also manages to fix June’s black, mangled teeth, get her mole removed, gets her a prescription for Rogaine for Women (did I mention that June is developing male pattern baldness? She is. So there’s that), and basically fixes her up overnight:

That’s a press shot, but still–this is more or less what she looks like in the end. Without reason or explanation, of course, Johann’s affections move from Cristabel to June, post-op, because it’s important for the inevitable “Nate really loves June” resolution. Before all of this, Nate and June are in a club with Johann and Cristabel and show some actual, legitimate chemistry for the briefest of moments. The two properly trained actors have a few moments to be actors, and for the smallest mote of time, the movie has some personality.

This is immediately followed by Nate trying to jump on Johann’s back while his rival dances with his quarry. Can you guess what happens? Gold star if you do.

Three weeks later, Nate is a mess, because Cristabel doesn’t mind being deliberately tackled by a random stranger on the beach but totally isn’t cool with being accidentally tackled by her friend in a club. It’s cool, though, because Arno (remember him? Wish you didn’t? Me, too) has called up June, the only person who can smooth things over. Nate and June decide to hang out, walk down the beach, and then have a romantic evening of wine and dessert at June’s place.

June reveals that she’s never been kissed. So Nate and she kiss, just to show her how it’s done, and naturally June is like “whoa” and Nate is says “I don’t know why I did that.” It’s not the best thing to say there, but considering the whole point of this visit was to make sure things were cool and straightened out with Cristabel, it makes a certain sense. “I am trying to get with your roommate. You are trying to help me with that. Us swapping spit in the house you guys share isn’t great for that.” It’s one of the few bits of dialogue that makes some sense.

The appropriate response there, if you’re June, is to say something quippy and sappy like “let’s try to figure it out,” flashing that “I’m going to bone you senseless” smile, and then going to town. Barring that, it shouldn’t take Nate a million years to realize “that was nice. Really nice. I want to do that again, and this woman is looking at me like she does, too. Maybe I should skip the whole Cristabel thing and embrace this feeling that I’ve been looking for since first grade.”

That said, June completely overreacts, goes into “because I’m ugly and shit” mode (despite the fact that she’s really, really good-looking at this point) and throws Nate out. Of course, he still shows up at the costume party (collective eye-rolling, cigarette-lighting by Irene and I) dressed as Speed Racer (his crotch is the Mach 5! Hilarious!). There’s fighting over some dumb shit, June tells Nate off some more, Cristabel stumbles around in a wedding dress, drunk as a skunk, farting. Sigh.

Cristabel takes Nate upstairs and reveals that acting like a drunken, needy, flatulent bitch all night was just a test! She wanted to make sure Nate would accept her for all her flaws and still love her. She opens up a closet filled with lingerie and offers Nate his pick. Meanwhile, at Johann’s place, things are getting hot and heavy. Johann’s about to round second base and June realizes that Nate is, of course, what she really wants. Cristabel gets all near-naked and lounges on the bed, beckoning Nate, who realizes that June is what he really wants. So they wind up running into one another and blah blah blah. Kiss, music, fade to black.

Considering the wooden acting, poorly-written dialogue, and completely uninspired direction, there’s fair reasons why this movie is considered a total trainwreck, universally panned and ridiculed. But there’s more going on than just bad filmmaking, a sinister message that must be addressed before the totality of this film’s failure can be fully understood.